


je comprends parfaitement ton skepticism

by psidn



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Crack, Gen, Willi Waller 2006
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-15
Updated: 2015-10-15
Packaged: 2018-04-26 11:40:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,523
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5003371
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/psidn/pseuds/psidn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tendou has fourteen potato peelers (plus a fistful more!) and a lot of enthusiasm. His teammates have a lot of patience.</p>
            </blockquote>





	je comprends parfaitement ton skepticism

**Author's Note:**

  * For [toomanyhometowns](https://archiveofourown.org/users/toomanyhometowns/gifts).



> happy early birthday, sk! this is definitely not your actual present! you have something that is hopefully much better thought out than an unbeta'd Willi Waller 2006 au coming your way. mais quand même, BON ANNIVERSAIRE, SK! <333
> 
> for those of you who don’t know what the Willi Waller 2006 is, it’s from a Québécois comedy sketch featuring claymation dolls in a telemarketing ad for potato peelers. this is… an au… where Tendou has bought the potato peelers? let’s roll with it. lots of references to the video in the text, which you can [find here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hJgQCbRsq-I) (warning for creepy-looking claymation, which is actually a combination of filmed real life eyes and mouths on claymation dolls. and also, it’s in french)
> 
> trois, deux, un, _action!_

“I’ve got fourteen potato peelers,” Tendou mutters to himself, sifting through the box he received in the mail. “Unbelievable! Plus a fistful more! That was a very good deal.” He looks out the window of his bedroom, thoughtful. One should share one’s joy with as many people as possible. It would only be good and right to bring his potato peelers to school and spread their humble, yet aspirational, qualities to his friends and teammates.

He clenches his fist and then squeals in pain.

\--

“Have I got an exciting offer for you, Wakatoshi!”

Ushijima looks up from staring at his lunch. “Yes?” he says, and Tendou is touched by how he manages to sound a little bit curious.

“How many potatoes do you peel a day?” he asks.

Semi and Oohira give identical exasperated looks. Tendou pulls out a potato peeler from his bag and carefully waves it at them. “Patience, I’ll be asking you in a few minutes! Let me have a conversation with the miracle boy first!”

Ushijima’s still thinking. It must be a good answer. “Probably none,” he says.

 _Wrong!_ Tendou thinks at himself. It was not a good answer after all.

“Okay, but you do enjoy potatoes, right?”

Ushijima nods seriously. “I respect all plant life.”

“Well, alright,” Tendou says, and gives it up for a lost cause. He’ll just sneak a peeler into Ushijima’s bag later, whatever. He turns to Semi. “Looking good today, Semi.”

“I know you’re lying,” Semi says, and busies himself with looking away. 

“You know what would complete your outfit?” Tendou asks, undaunted.

“No!” Semi says. “I do not know, and I don’t want to know! Do not give me a potato peeler, I peel no potatoes every day.”

“Gosh,” Tendou says. “You won’t be winning over any hearts with that attitude.”

Tendou finally turns towards Oohira. Patient, calm, wonderful Oohira! So careful and considerate with the first years, with his friends! Tendou tenderly holds out a potato peeler.

“Alright,” Oohira says, resigned. “I guess I can give it to my mother.”

“Ooh, might you be interested in a two-for-one deal?” Tendou asks.

“No, just one is fine.” Oohira pauses. “Thank you,” he says, and it even sounds genuine.

\--

Tendou is down three potato peelers, having snuck one into Semi’s bag as well, so his day is looking up, up, up! He comes to practice in a good mood. 

(He always comes to practice in a good mood.)

“What’s that sound?” Shirabu asks when Tendou walks into the crowded clubroom.

“This?” Tendou asks, as he jumps up and down, letting the potato peelers in his bag rattle. “It is the sound of hard work and determination! It is the sound of you being the proud owner of a potato peeler!”

Shirabu’s mouth drops in what Tendou can only assume is awe. Semi narrows his eyes.

“I’ll take a potato peeler,” Semi snaps, and Tendou smiles big.

“Anything for my good friend,” he says, and makes a production of opening his bag and selecting the most perfect potato peeler to offer to the most perfect setter. “To Semi, with much love.”

“Don’t be disgusting,” Semi mutters, and takes it, stuffing it into his bag, where (little does he know!) there is a second potato peeler lying in wait. This day is getting more and more exciting by the minute.

“Wow,” Goshiki breathes out in a slightly creepy way, from behind a garbage can. What he’s doing back there, Tendou can only guess. Kids these days. “Wow!” he says, again.

Tendou can tell when he’s got a willing audience. “Come out from behind the, um, garbage,” he says. “I want to look you in the face properly.” 

“Just a second!” Goshiki warbles, as he leans down to pick something up. Tendou doesn’t want to know, he doesn’t want to know, he doesn’t want to know. Goshiki holds up a pair of scissors. Okay. Well. It’s not like Tendou can really be casting any judgement on today of all days.

Goshiki comes to stand at attention in front of Tendou. 

“Do you want a potato peeler?” Tendou asks. “It seems like you want one. Semi-kun looked pretty cool with his, right?”

Goshiki looks torn. “But what would I do with one?” he asks.

Tendou blinks. “Do you happen to peel potatoes? Or like, carrots? Things that require peeling?”

Goshiki thinks. He closes his eyes and crosses his arms. He places a hand on his mouth and then brings the hand back down to his crossed arms. He keeps thinking. Or maybe he’s wondering now. He shakes his head and sighs. He frowns and hums. He resumes his thinking pose.

“So,” Tendou says, “can we speed this process up a little? It’s just that I can hear my grandchildren calling for me.”

Goshiki opens his eyes and mouths the words ‘grandchildren’ curiously, and Tendou realizes he made a mistake! He made the mistake of distracting Cool Bangs in the middle of his thought process with such absurd notions as fathering children.

“There are no grandchildren,” he amends. “Please continue your regularly scheduled programming.”

Goshiki nods. “I don’t peel potatoes,” he says, finally.

“ _There_ we go,” Tendou says. “Well, who says you need to use potato peelers to peel potatoes? It definitely wasn’t me. Maybe you can…” Tendou can feel himself grasping for something, anything. “Trim… your… cool bangs. Bring back the feathered look.”

Goshiki looks intrigued. Tendou warms up to the topic.

“In fact, has the feathered bang even left us? Think about it.” He winks, takes Goshiki’s hand, and presses a potato peeler into his grasp. “Good luck!”

Goshiki blushes and stammers out an earnest, “Thank you, senpai!”

\--

In all that excitement with Goshiki, Tendou completely missed out on the important market of Shirabu. He drags Shirabu over to do his warm-ups with him and and the other third-years so that they can talk about the very hot commodity that is the potato peeler. Shirabu is pretty quiet, probably because Ushijima is there. Tendou can get him chatty in no time, though.

“So, my friend, do you like peeling potatoes?”

Shirabu pauses in his stretch to look at Tendou and deliver a pained look. “I don’t know if I _like_ it,” he says. “It’s just something that I do?”

Something flutters in Tendou’s chest. What is this? It’s a person who seems to have actual experience peeling a potato.

“Tell me more,” Tendou says, rapturous. 

“Uh,” Shirabu says. “You don’t really want to eat the peel, so. You. Peel it. It’s a step? In a process?”

“Great,” Tendou says. “But tell me, how long does it take you to peel a potato? You just go at it with your fingers, right?”

“What?” Shirabu says, in a rather louder voice than usual. “No!” He shakes his head and says, under his breath, “with my fingers, what?”

“So, will you take some potato peelers? It’ll take you two times less time to peel a potato with a potato peeler!”

“Wow,” Shirabu says, which is the appropriate response. “I’m… no,” Shirabu says, slowly, which is not the appropriate response anymore. “I don’t think my home needs more potato peelers.”

“Come on,” Tendou wheedles. “A home needs multiple potato peelers. You can put them all over the place! In the car--”

“I don’t drive,” Shirabu says weakly.

“In your room, in your cottage--”

“Cottage? Where are you getting these ideas?”

“You can even give them to your friends!” Tendou crows.

“Like you’re doing?” Oohira asks politely.

“Don’t encourage him!” Semi says. “He might actually think we’re friends.”

“Ha ha, you charmer,” Tendou says, waving a hand and fluttering his eyelashes. “Just for that sweet talking, I’ll give you another one.” Yamagata laughs and Semi turns red. He says nothing though, because he is accepting like that.

Ushijima ignores them all. He’s so stoic. Tendou loves it.

\--

While Ushijima is somewhere out there running a marathon for fun, Tendou manages to get Yamagata, Semi, and Goshiki to agree to race each other. It’s only once that they’re gathered that he mentions the prize! A free potato peeler, wow!

“I know what you’re thinking!” Tendou shouts. “Whoa man, hey, Uncle Tendou, that’s impossible, what are you saying with your mouth!”

Goshiki mouths the word, “uncle”. 

“You are not my uncle,” Semi says, shaking his head sadly. “This is officially the most confusing day I’ve ever had, and no uncle of mine would make me suffer like this.”

“That’s enough chit-chat!” Tendou says, trying to give a stern look. He thinks probably he’s smiling too much. “On my mark! Attention! One, two, three, four, go!”

Semi wins by a narrow margin, which Tendou thinks means he wants that potato peeler more than he’ll admit, and definitely has nothing to do with the competitive spirit most athletes have.

“It’s okay,” he tells Yamagata and Goshiki. “There’s a prize for second and third place too!”

“Let me guess,” Yamagata says, smiling. “A potato peeler?”

Semi tugs at his hair in distress. Goshiki beams, delighted.

\--

That night Goshiki whispers, “Thanks, Uncle Tendou. Thanks.” 

He sleeps peacefully, feathered bangs fluttering in the breeze coming from his open window.

**Author's Note:**

> FINAL COUNT:  
> Ushijima: one (1) Willi Waller 2006
> 
> Oohira: one (1) Willi Waller 2006
> 
> Goshiki: two (2) Willi Waller 2006s  
> one (1) touch-up to his bangs  
> the honour of third place in afternoon practice race
> 
> Shirabu: one (1) Willi Waller 2006
> 
> Yamagata: one (1) Willi Waller 2006  
> the honour of second place in afternoon practice race
> 
> Semi: four (4) Willi Waller 2006s  
> the honour of first place in afternoon practice race
> 
> Tendou: four (4) plus a fistful more (?) Willi Waller 2006s  
> the joy of sharing one’s joy


End file.
